Saturday, March 11, 2006
i love you
wanna share with all a love story...
once i met u, i had my eyes on u. u made me feel alive, awake.
u told me u needed me. i believed. i trusted.
i held ur hands for the first time, felt ur sweet lips on mine for once, ur hands tt burn my skin and those words any girls would die to hear.
i was in heaven. I WAS IN LOVE.
evrything went fine.
but then again, the truth started to appear.
when u saw her, u immediately released my hands.
when u saw her, u quickly hide ur face away.
when u saw her, u turned red and looked as innocent as u can.
when u saw her, u gave a smile u never had given me.
i hid my feelings.
my fear, to lose u.
my saddness, tt i didnt matter as much as she do to u.
my anger, tt u didnt make good use of ur words.
my depression, over reasons of why was i so vain to believe u.
my happiness, tt.. tt.. i have none of it left.
cos it is all gone.
i felt empty.
i acted like nothing happened.
like everything is back to wat it is.
i felt hurt.
u told me u love me. i said the same to u.
u asked me never to leave u. i said the same to u.
another her appeared.
u were happie to see her.
u were excited when she approached her.
u were elated to hear her voice.
i couldnt sae anything.cos i dun wanna lose u.
u told me not to hang out with other guys.
u told me not to hug other guys like i did to u.
u told me not to kiss other guys the way i kissed u.
u told me not to talk to other guys.
u told me not to sms them so much.
u told me not to stand near them.
i agreed. cos of u. i agreed.to all.
but i saw
u hanging out with them.
u talking to them.
u laughing wth them.
why must i keep my promise and yet u dun need to?
why must i always give into the relationship and yet u dun need?
i dun understand the way u behave.
i dun understand the way i think.
i dun understand the way u loved me.
i cried. my heart out. my lungs out. my eyes out.
i couldnt tell u how i feel.
i was afraid tt u would think i am some freak tt stick to u all the time.
i was afraid tt u would think i dun trust u.
i was afraid tt u would think i was being lame and childish.
i was afraid tt u would think i was being a bitch and throw ur face away.
i was afraid tt u would think i was...
i dunno.. there is so mani reasons.
but the main thing i was
afraid of
is to lose u.
cos i love you.
been trying to prove it.
i gave way to u each time.
but i cannot control anymore.
i am dying in order to love u.
everione can sae i love u these three words.
but onli with meaning do i realli wann hear it from u.
but onli with actions do i realli believe u.
even a toy u refuse. cos it would spoil ur image.
i jus want u to know,
i love u. and i mean it with my life.
touching hor?=)
u said u understand.u will prove to me that u love me.
i dun see it.i dun wanna turn into a possesive monster. i dun wanna restrain u from meeting all ur ger friends.
i could even hardly catch a glimspe of u. u sae u refuse to sit besdie me cos u didnt want ur friend to tease u. i sae excuse. u always disurbed me to let u sit beside me in the past. u were never afraid that ur friend will tease u.in fact i was the one who was afraid.
after sch u would always snatch my file away so that u can hold my hands. this time u said it was gay. i miss the zm whom had always been walkng me to kovan.u kept looking at the back. i know u were seeing the bus. cos when it was approaching u quickly let go of my hands and pretended to adjust ur uniform. i dun know who is on the bus. but i could always guess.u told me u no longer need to treat me well cos u know who i am le. cos u are sian of it. there's no need to sweet talk to me anymore.u couldnt see my face. the hurt.the pain.i hate it.
if i can rewind back the time, i would go back to the first two weeks we spent together and keep replaying it all over and over again and again.
cos of u i kept my distance away from the guys.my words no longer meant anything to u. i feel so neglected. so alone all of a sudden. u always jio me out. now? u feel sian. i merely said if u dun wanna go then dun go. but in my heart i always wanted u to go. so that i can see u and hold ur hands. instead u realli said 'ok then i go sleep le'. i cant tell u how i am feeling. cos i cant describe it.
i want to go back to the past. where u always come and find me. disturb me. i can onli cry at my desperation now. if onli u nderstand, if onli u know, and if onli u wil realli change to treat me better...
i haf always envy other couples. how they manage to be so loving after so long.we haf onli manage to pass the first month.haf i lost all my attractions? haf i lost the game to keep u beside me?
i suppose i am the biggest fool in the world. all the while i had a treasure in front of me. yet i chose to throw it away. and now tt i want it back, i could no longer haf it back. cos it now belongs to someone else. and all i haf now is something tt maybe doesnt even belong to me.
rampage and terror;
3:47 AM
